“גּוֹזֵל אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ וְאֹמֵר אֵין פָּשַׁע חָבֵר הוּא לְאִישׁ מַשְׁחִית”
“Whoever robs his father or his mother and says, “That is no transgression,” is a companion to a man who destroys.”
We studied previously about the importance of drawing blessings to the marriage. Those who abuse their marriage are called “a companion to a man who destroys”. It means that they let the negative side to destroy the relationship. They may not think that they have no responsibility to a faithful marriage and at the same time they let the destroying forces to come between and damage the life of the couple.
Most people in the western world get married after they meet, fall in love and after sometime together they decide to get married.
Many things change after the marriage. In many case true love doesn’t stay for long. The excitement of building life together and all the ‘perfect’ plans don’t work or fade away because reality is different than dreams. Different issues lead to actual or emotional separation.
There are many causes for marital problems and I will go through some of them as they pop in my head, not necessarily top to bottom. It’s a simple guide for the purpose of raising the consciousness of married people to correct the relationship rather than destroy it.
In most cases problems come after the couple have their first and or second child. The woman now transformed from a young woman to a mother with deep emotional change and new sets of priorities. The husband becomes assistant and the mother is the CEO in the project of raising children. The husband is expected to maintain financial and general support to the mother in her important tasks of raising the children. There are some perfect couples that work in harmony and my description below is general in most cases. For your specific situation you may ask specific questions in the comments section below.
Finance – “He/She spends money without thinking or planning”, “We don’t have enough money he/she doesn’t contribute to our income”
When the couple have difficulties managing their income they should stop blaming each other for their unnecessary expenses and sit together to plan their budget. Most important is to give tithe, unless they are in a very poor state and the income is barely sufficient for food and basic home needs. Giving tithe will bring light and blessings to their income. It’s not easy to do when in low income state but this is what God promise us. Regular spiritual connection, tithe and good budget planning would resolve the issues. The insecurities that come from lack of money drag most of the other reasons for marital problems.
Emotional detachment – “I can’t love him/ her anymore”
In time, the love emotions transform to routine gestures, occasional kiss or hug, especially when there are kids at home. The woman is busy, the husband is also busy at work and when he comes home to a working mother, she expects his help while he wants to rest from the hard day and stress at the job.
The solution is to write down on a small piece of paper what is great and worthy of appreciation in your spouse and go to it each time you fell low on emotions toward your spouse. Allocating ‘alone’ time, away from home as frequent as you can would keep you together as caring couple. Plan ahead those dates as well as some ‘attention’ related gift, gesture without waiting to ‘mother’s day’ or ‘Valentine day’. Working on the other issues in the marriage would help with increasing love and care between the couple.
Identity/ Appreciation – “He/she doesn’t treat me as significant in his/her life”
We are unique and different souls even if we expected to be soul mates. Respect each other’s differences as you would respect your colleague. The love that blinded us from seeing the things that we don’t like in the other is reduced or gone but we must have faith that God puts you together to do some work, especially if you already have children. If you have ‘fruits’ then you were definitely supposed to be together. Respect your spouse and Let him/her express themselves and listen to them, even if you don’t agree
Decision/future planning – “We can’t agree on anything”
Argument about future doesn’t have basis in reality. Many things can happen tomorrow and change your plans even if they are ‘solid’. Plan future vacations and good time together with the family and maybe ‘run away’ from the kids to have good time alone
Sex and intimacy – “He/she doesn’t satisfy me, I’m no longer attracted to him/her”
The excitement fades when there is focus on the kids and tiring work outside and at home. When a woman has children she fulfilled the purpose of the marriage and sex becomes in most cases secondary or a simple compromise. It’s very hard to find a relaxed time to enjoy intimate connection. Sex is very important to strengthen the relationship and draw blessings. The man is the aspect of Zeir Anpin and the woman is Malchut. Best time to schedule is Friday night. It is on a high level of Binah. A woman lights Shabbat Candle, the man does his spiritual connection to connect to the light of Binah and having sex on that night channels great energy to the woman and the blessings manifest greatly in their lives. Friday is good also because the next day is not a working day and you can stay longer in bed if the kids don’t wake you up ”
NEVER have sex if the woman is not clear of her period. The spiritual law is to wait seven clean days after the period stops. The period is the aspect of judgment and connecting to it, corrupts the man’s ability to make spiritual connection. The Shechina won’t come close to him even if he reads the Zohar. If the man wasn’t aware, he should do mikveh and give Tzedakah.
When you schedule days for intimacy, you both can prepare the consciousness and do your best to attract each other. After all you both benefit from it. Disconnection is a broken circuit and no light flows in. Remember that. Schedule it!
Selfishness – “He/She is so selfish, always thinks of him/herself first”
That’s a tough one and it mostly happens when there’s no appreciation and care. See Identity/appreciation above.
Communication – “He/She doesn’t understand me. It’s like talking to the wall”
This is usually because of no appreciation, selfishness, resentments like lack or rejection of sex and or other lacks of support. Find ways to be intimate with each other and the communication will resume with better understanding because the light of the unifications would clear any undesired ‘curtains’.
Anger – “He/She makes me angry”
This should never happen. Anger is a result of lack of Light. Make efforts to make spiritual connections and understand the anger just push you down rather that up. Restrict and detach with “Sorry, please let’s continue this later. I don’t want to get angry”. Find ways to relax yourself and give it a day or three before you make decision under anger. The Klipah of anger will take all your light if you “lose it”. It’s hard to get back the light lost during anger. Do yourself and your spouse a favor and stop before getting angry. Make agreement that both of you is allowed to stop argument before getting angry. Respect each other. Having decisions in peace is far better that forcing the other with your anger. No good comes from it.
If the couple is in unrecoverable abusive relationship then they need to separate. Mental or physical abuse should not be part of one’s life because the abuser is fed by the negative side and it’s very hard to recover. If your spouse say that you dress badly but is okay in other areas of the marriage then he maybe right or wrong but that’s not a mental abuse. So be careful in your definition of it.
First thing for a healthy marriage is to drop all comparision of who contributes more to the marriage. Learn to talk and express feeling without forcing your way on your spouse and definatly not by getting angry. Do not blame each other because in most cases when you see ‘bad’, the root of it is in you. Look inside and correct. If each partner does his/her best without calculating then they can reach great happiness and old age together. If one seems to take advantage of the other, keep staying on the good side because good always overcome the bad, especially when both are spiritual.
If your spouse is not as ‘spiritual’ as you it doesn’t make him/her bad. He/she may have a different role of support in your life. Father/Mother, Husband/wife, sustenance, friendship, intimacy and more.
Being different in one area of your life doesn’t make him or her ‘disposable/replaceable’. Seeing differences is usually a result of ego and selfishness.
The spiritual energy nowadays is very difficult. It’s hard to take the good from the bad. One cannot find their true soul mate, especially if they are divorced and or in advanced age or having growing children.
In addition to many other benefits, Daily Zohar studies help in controlling negative emotions and bring the needed blessings into your life.
With love to all
Daily Zohar # 2416 – Tazria – How to repair your marriage